Stinking rings - makes me wanna puke

Soon it´s time again.

Enjoy the last weeks of this summer, because you will not get a calm summer next year. You will be invaded by red little stinking mandarintalking yen characters like this one:

Just look at it ... it makes me wanna hit something hard and puke up the remainings of my dinner. What the fuck is it? A communist pokemon or what? I choose you Commusachi!

This crap made me and my friend Jack talk about this big joke event called Olympic Games. Come on people ... what a load of ... athletics pumped with God only knows are competing in different athletics events which no normal person are interested in otherwise. Just look at these events;

Discus throw - women

This is a representative specimen for a women discus thrower. The event ... throwing a large disc into a field isn´t all that exciting, and my friends ... it doesn´t get better when you´re not sure which gender it´s on the field.

Archery
Come on!
When the fuck are you intrested in some fags shooting arrows on a colorful board. Jesus holy crap ... this is a medieval weapon. Hello ... update a bit ... lets shoot the crap of some boards with automatic rifles.

Look .. it´s not even a bow ... it´s a fuckin science fiction messure device with a corny string. Crappy event!

Race walk
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!
Look at this group of "athletics" .. they all seem to have dropped some doodle in their pants and can´t run properly.

Why the fuck are you competing in an event which the point is to take you as fast as you can from start to goal, but here is the thing ... you are FORBIDDEN to run! Come on!

This is the sport for geeks (it´s not even a sport).



This is one of the things why I don´t like this friendly event (yeah right .. lets be friends for a while .. the whole world). Look where they are going to have this spectacle 2008 ... in fuckin CHINA ... the last fuckin Communist land in the world. It´s so many things about that country that stinks (and I don´t talk about the dogeating thing you dumbass) and the committee for the Olympic Games pointed a straight finger at China and told them what they have to do if they were going to be host for the Olympic Games. Have they done anything ? ... not really. Do we hear anything from the olympic committee ... nooo ... do you know WHY?

Because they have their asses full of ...

Talk about dirty money. Jack and myself are sitting on our asses and remember the good old days with opponents like Soviet Union (CCCP) and East Germany (DDR). There you had some letters you could relate your hatred to. Now every country cheats and USA goes home with most medals anyway ... it´s just no fun.

What does the Olympic rings stands for now?
Blue: This is the color of the blood that runs through all the members of the Olympic committee.

Yellow: Is the color of what you and me have to drink when the games are running.

Black: Is what trades under the tables whenever this symbol are involved.

Green: Is the color of what this is really all about.

Red: The color of the athletics way to make progress.


So the fuckin Olympic Games ... stick it up in your behind and leave my summer alone.
Cheers!

Fashion report Brazil

This time we go outside America to Brazil!
Our wildlife reporter Davy Crockett was sent to the jungle to find fashion.

Day 1: Snake Hat
To make a hat, you need raw materials. and to get that you will need some kind of bait. As with all of the countries outside US, cheap and villing labor is everywhere. It didn`t take me long to find a little village boy to be my bait. And boy did he work.





It was time for testing. As you can see on the picture, the snake hat was somewhat unpleasant to wear. I was starting to think this Fashion in the jungle was a bad idea...

Day 2: Tapir Hat

I`ll be the first to admit that the snake hat sucked donkey balls. But I knew, somewhere, somehow, someone would be what I was looking for. It was time to test some bigger game. Luckily the Tapir eats both vegetation and meat, that way I was able to use the remains of the boy as bait again.

Testing. Yet again I was left disappointed.. The hat was heavy and kinda hard to wear, because of the constant jiggling. It also made a loud squealing noise when worn.


Day 3: Da Ocelot

Iv`e struck gold! The ocelot was perfect as a hat. It even has a camouflage fur, which makes it good for hunting. I might even consider swapping my beaver hat with this one on a more regular basis. The beaver hat has been a little slack lately.

Thats it for now. Remember fitting is mere question of will.

The cows goes mad, again.

Deja vu. That means, pardon my spanish, it is what happened, happened before, and again...

Shut up.

Yet again England is infested with foot-and-mouth disease. Somewhere in Surrey, which may or may not be in Wales, surprised farmers discovered their cows were mad.

Well, Well good ol`chap lads from England. Surprised? I am not! For years the world has been kept in the dark. You know what I`m talking about. The grim truth about generations of Royal inbreeding.

Last time you Lads had mad cows you told the world you got rid of it all. I guess you forgot to mention, you didn`t get rid of the source itself. It is the time to end this charade.

Prince Charles IS the mouth-and-foot disease! Have you ever noticed how he always keeps his left (or maybe right) hand in his pocket at all times? You look mighty scared there Charlie chap! Hiding something?


Last weekend in Ireland, while Charles was wearing their traditional costume, he slipped up. Revealing.. the hoof!


Later the same day. Camilla Bowles made a futile attempt to distance herself from it all, showing off her fingers, while smiling bravely.

I know you have lived in shame England. This must have been an unbearable secret.

But it`s okay. You are our allies, and as long as you keep his highness hooves away from the cows until we can setup a laser defense in the Atlantic, we don`t mind.

Arsenal and Tottenham join forces

Today and maybe this milleniums most unexpected bombflash in the football world was presented at Fly Emirates stadium at 6:00 pm. The two Londonclubs Arsenal FC and Tottenham Hotspurs are going to merge into one single club. The assitant, assitant for former Arsenal spokesmens assistants told the press that this union will be a wonderful new London football club which can take on the the big elephants Chelsea and Manchester United in a whole new way. Let us present your new favourite football club:

The story behind this historical union is one that certainly will raise your eye-brown or some other part of your body. Cut right from the pressrelase, no buts or bits ... right to the bone of it:

"Arse`n Ham - the club was created during this years pride festival, when chairmen of both clubs happened to be on the same discobus, it was love at first sight."

We got a word with former Arsenal coach, Assene Wanker, and now as it seems headcoach to the new club Arse'n Ham Hotguns.

"I'm enthusiastic and very proud to be a part of this historical event. Come on ... just take a look at our new uniforms ... all in my favourite color pink. What a team I will be working with. The amount of money who I alone will manage over, oh my God. This is a glorious day and I give that old fart Sir Anal Faguerson my dearest finger up in his brown eye. I´m going to fuck you so hard so your ass will turn as red as your nose."

Someone is exciting I guess. I have tried to get some response from the hardcore fans at Arsenal or Tottenham, but they all seem to be in some kind of paralyzed condition. In the time of Pride we got some response from the ordinary Brittish Pride man. This is what they say:

"We are so happy. At last we can find a team we can relate to. With this important marriaged it feels like this new football club just take a stand for all the Brittish men who stands in the corner of every bar, waiting ... watching ... just to get a short glance of Beckhams thighs, Henrys ankles, Gerrards buttom ... we will give them a team to measure up to every gaymens anticipation. Arse`n Ham will not just be the top football club in London we will also be the a club available for everyone with a little more finess then average."

Well I guess that summons it all. We can only hope that the fans from Arsenal and Tottenham can live side by side when the seasons starts.

Norwegian Royal House turns to fraud.

Recently in an European village called Norway, the princess announced she would start a school for contacting angels. The school is to offer courses in healing, touching and reading. I`ll spare your the rest of the details, as I didn`t bother to read them. Shut up.

We all know this is a pile of shit, hopefully the local townsmen won`t be fooled by this deceit.
As we all know, coming in contact with angels takes a little more then a princess on acid from Norway. Seriously, if you want to talk to Popeye, or Georgie, you are better of sending me an email, and I`ll see what i can do.


But don`t get your hopes up, being da Pope and Leader of the free world does take up a lot of your spare time. I know Popeye is going to be very busy, because of his role in Star Wars -1: The Phantom shit. Therefore i cannot guarantee that everyone gets a close encounter.

However, if you are willing to settle for some lesser, but still angels, I can make that happen too. John Wayne, Charlton Heston and myself will be attending this years National Rifle Association meeting.


Mind you I haven`t had time to discuss this with the others but I guessing something like this is what we will be looking at :

Handshakes : 300$
Photos: 450$
5min conversation: 250$
Signed and blessed postcard: 120$
Super Angel Pack: 1500$

Elton John wants to shut down internet

Elton John wants to shut down internet at least for five years he says. The reason is, accordingly to Elton John, that people around the world are sitting on their fat asses and writing in blogs when they can use their asses for a much more enjoyable purpose.

Well, we think he has a hidden agenda. To get rid off all embarassing pictures on the internet.


What' s next ... melting all cd:s and dvd:s ? Hello Elton John ... how much we even want to erase you from the planet and history ... we just can't. What we can do is to give you this weeks award for the most "cock sucking prick idiot wanker idea". You can get the prize behind the anal trap.

Orangutango goes Locomongo

This morning sad news came from Mogadishu (a country or city in Africa). Locals today woke up to what seems to have been a bloodbath during the night. There have been raids against villages and nearby farms. The culprit? A gang of mad Orangutans.

Animal Watch organizations have for a while now, warned about the low availability of Blood Orange, which is the Orangutans normal source of food. The primates eat this citrus so much, it is the reason for their characterizing orange fur.

It seems that the apes discovered they could eat man flesh instead, and so the shit hit the fan.















Disturbing images have been pouring in all day, the worst of them all, this one of a visiting Norwegian politician. The bloodthirsty Orangutan used him as a trofe hat, not unlike our own David Crockett, who used to thread beaver rectums onto his head.

Tour de Lance

Stop making real men look bad morons.

As we all know by now, everyone has been cheating, and getting caught. Morons! This gives the tour a bad name, and some idiots have even suggested Armstrong was cheating too.
Lets get this straight aholes, the mass cheating started AFTER Lance left. EPO did not exist before, this is a fact! Shut up.

Pussies like Lars "Brattwürst" Ullrich, didn`t have what it takes and like everyone else outside the U.S. of an A. He resorted to sticking needles up his arse.

Now. I don`t understand how people can be so ignorant and not submit to this fact. As a reminder I`ll show you some secret footage from the T-Mobbail training camp, when Lard Ullrich still were allowed to compete.

Above: American Idiol Lance Armstrong

Above: Oh no Lard Ullrich, it must be really hard to cycle all the way to MiccieD to pick up another XXL Happy Meal.

Prydfestivalen

För tredje året i rad annordnas den årliga Prydfestivalen som motvikt till Pridefestivalen.

Festgeneralen Inga Inkontinent berättar att hon är extremt nöjd med uppslutningen kring arrangemanget och hoppas att PRYD festivalen skall locka bort lite folk från den hemska demonfestivalen som annordnas samma period. Hon fortsätter att berätta vilka enorma satsningar de gjort i år på festarrangemang.

Vi kommer t ex försöka ta rekord i största Bingo spelet någonsin. Vi har bokat upp Globen för det arrangemanget. Det kommer bli en höjdare. Samtidigt kör vi turneringar ibåde fårklippning och pajbakning. Vi kommer naturligtvis ha ett musikfestivalområde i samband med den stora festivalen. Carola är inbokad och Herreys kommer återförenas enbart för denna festival. Vad sägs om det?

Sen hoppas jag ingen missade vår fina parad som invigde vår festival. Titta bara på våra uppslupna pojkar. Gissa om det var en höjdare.